While You Were Gone
by mego94
Summary: Leia struggles to cope after Han's disappearance and, feeling hopeless, wonders if she'll ever see her handsome smuggler again. My interpretation of Leia's grief post ESB and pre-ROTJ.


Her eyes are red, a contrast to the dark circles that are etched underneath them. She sits up in her-their- bunk, and shakily pushes herself up off the bed. Just like every other day, she heads straight to the fresher, and reaches for her concealer. She applies it liberally, dabbing furiously at the darkness that marks her eyes, hoping it'll somehow mask the darkness she feels throughout her entire being. A couple of tears escape, and she groans, patching up the streaks. She suspects her friends are aware of the state she's in, but she hopes that by some miracle, they aren't . Before leaving the room, she takes a steadying breath and glances one last time in the mirror. Her cheeks are blotchy, stained with tears, and her braided crown, riddled with flyaways, is slightly lopsided. But she doesn't care. It's up, and that's an accomplishment in and of itself.

Leia enters the kitchen area of the Falcon. She notices both Luke and Chewie sitting somewhat impatiently at the table, clearly awaiting her arrival. She gives them a small, feeble smile before sitting down. A single bowl of breakfast sits on the table and, realizing it's for her, she tries to take a bite to appease them. Her stomach immediately lurches. She's been unable to eat in the two weeks since Han disappeared, and her already petite frame seems swallowed up in her clothes.

"Were you able to sleep last night?" Luke speaks up, the first one to break the silence.

She attempts a weak nod, but her friends know better. Both had been woken by her sobs, despite her best effort to conceal them.

"You can be honest, Leia," he tells her, and he can feel the grief rolling off of her.

She averts her eyes, staring down at the table. "I can't sleep. All I see when I close my eyes is Han, frozen in that awful carbonite."

He's unsure what to say, but he cautiously reaches out to hold her hand, offering her a sympathetic smile.

"My bunk is always open," he assures her. "And I'm sure Chewie's is too."

The Wookiee nods his head, confirming Luke's comment. This prompts a small smile from the princess, causing Luke to tighten his grip on her small hand.

"We're gonna find him, Leia. I promise you."

She wants to believe him, desperately so, but it's already been two weeks. She's heard the same promise every day, but with no luck. The sting of tears fills her eyes, and she looks away, hoping it goes unnoticed. She doubts her friends believe her attempted strong facade, but she continues to try nonetheless. But she's slowly breaking, and doesn't know how much longer she can continue.

Three standard weeks. 21 days have gone by where she's fallen asleep alone, hoping to wake up in his arms, by some miracle. But she never does. Her hope continues to fade, and she berates herself for it. She has to find him, she needs him. So much. And she can only hope that he needs her, frozen in carbonite in whatever hell Boba Fett has taken him too.

She's beginning to rely upon unhealthy coping mechanisms. It started with a drink, one single shot of Corellian whisky she often shares with Han. It's 14:00, and she's finished half a bottle, hoping it will bring her closer to him, yet also make her forget. Disappearing from the cockpit one standard hour ago, she's found herself in her bunk, Han's shirt in one hand, the bottle in her other. She cries silently as she takes a small swig. _Last one_ she tells herself, though she knows it's a lie. She buries her face in his shirt, trying to relish his scent. Her cries grow louder, and soon she's unable to control them. She's bent over, clutching at the sheets of their once shared bed, nearly gasping for breath. It doesn't take long for someone to notice and soon there's a knock on her door, but she doesn't hear it. She can't hear anything over her sobs, and she's startled when she sees Luke standing at the side of her bed, a look of sadness on his face.

"Leia," he sighs, cautiously sitting next to her.

"What's happening?" He asks, pointing to the once-full bottle beside her. He can smell the whisky on her.

"I miss him," she whimpers. "So much."

"We all do," he assures her, slowly rubbing her back.

"But I love him."

Luke's stunned. While he's suspected it, he's never heard her admit it.

"I-" he tries, unsure of what to say.

"I had no idea."

She looks up at him through tearful eyes. "You missed quite a bit during your training."

Luke flinches, feeling horrible for not being with his friends.

"Don't feel guilty."

"Last I saw you two, you seemed to express quite the opposite sentiment."

"Yeah, well, a lot changed on the way to Bespin."

"I can see that. But I guess being trapped in a small ship for a month can do that to a couple."

She laughs and he gives her a quizzical look.

"I never thought of us that way, but I guess we are. Or...were."

"Are," he corrects, his voice fierce. "You are a couple. We will find him."

"I've heard that every day for the past three weeks, Luke. I-I'm starting to lose hope," she admits rather sheepishly. "I appreciate all of your help, and your efforts, but it's been three weeks. For all I know, he could be dead."

"Leia," he admonishes. "Don't think like that. I know he's still alive out there somewhere. I can sense it."

She perks up, looking at him for the first time since he's entered her bunk. "Does that mean we're getting close?"

"Maybe," he tells her, berating himself for getting her hopes up. "But proximity isn't necessary for someone to be felt through the Force."

He feels her slump, and can sense her despair. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be, it's alright. The fact that you can sense him has sparked a hope in me that I haven't felt in weeks."

"You're worrying me," he admits after a few moments of silence. "This isn't like you."

"The hopelessness?"

"Well, yes, there's that. You're always the one pushing us forward, pushing the rebellion forward. But the alcohol," he continues. "This really isn't like you."

"It reminds me of him," she responds, hanging her head. "And it makes me forget."

"Han?"

"No. The pain."

He can hear the crack in her voice, and he drapes an arm across her shoulders.

"There are other ways to cope with that, Leia. We're all here for you."

"Thank you," she sniffles. "I appreciate that."

"I haven't seen this since Alderaan," he recalls. "You were in such a dark place," he trails off, "I've been really worried. We all have been. Gods knows Han would be, too. He cares about you so much, no matter where he is. Chewie promised him he would take care of you. If Han were to find out how you've been taking this, he would be devastated."

She sighs. "He was really worried after Alderaan. Even through our resentment for each other at the time, he still cared."

"Exactly. Just because he's not here doesn't mean he doesn't care, or that he isn't worrying about you the same way you're worrying about him. I've been doing research. He may be physically frozen, but his emotional and mental capabilities should still be intact. I think that's why I've been able to sense him."

She breathes a sigh of relief, thankful to hear this.

"Maybe there is hope."

"There is no 'maybe.' There _is_ hope. I know it."

And for once in the three weeks since Han's disappearance, she's starting to believe it.

* * *

Five weeks have gone by since his capture, and despite the lack of information, she's found a restored sense of hope. For the first time, she's been able to get a decent night's sleep. Her presence isn't noticed solely by her, but by her friends as well. As she sits down next to Chewbacca in the cockpit, he turns to face her, giving her an optimistic grin. He utters something she perceives to be hopeful and she smiles, relaxing in her seat.

"I think we may be getting close," Lando says, appearing behind the two. Leia perks up, immediately turning around to face him.

"How do you know?"

"We've been researching places Boba Fett has worked with in the past. We have it narrowed down to a few."

"Where?"

"We've found some old hideouts associated with the Empire. One on Crait, near an old rebellion base; one on Endor; and one place not associated with the empire: Jabba's palace."

Her heart lurches upon hearing the last one. "That has to be it," she exclaims excitedly. "He has to be on Tatooine."

Lando raises an eyebrow. "What makes you so sure?"

"He's owed a debt to Jabba for a couple of years. He admitted that's why he became part of the rebellion," she admits, feeling the familiar pang of betrayal she had felt when she found out.

"We'll check that first," he tells her, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I have a good feeling about this."

* * *

She's asleep in the bunk when she feels a soft thud. Having barely slept the past couple of nights, she immediately jumps up and makes her way to the cockpit.

"Are we here?" She asks optimistically.

"Just landed," Lando answers, turning to face her. "I think it's best you stay behind though."

Leia frowns.

"Fett was there when you confessed your love for Han. He may be able to use that to the Empire's advantage. He may capture you along with Han. Or worse, move him to a new location."

Her posture deflates, but she knows he's right. They've been searching for so long, and she would hate to be the one to ruin it.

"We'll get him back, princess," he tells her fiercely.

What seems like hours pass by. She's been roaming aimlessly around the ship, growing more impatient by the minute. She finds herself in her cabin, and flops down on the bed. Her mind floods with doubt, terrified of the chance they may not find him. She fights back tears, willing them away.

"No," she whispers to herself. "They have to find him. They're _going_ to find him."

As soon as the words leave her lips, she hears the lowering of the ramp, and immediately jumps off the bed. She runs to the main cabin, nearly squirming as she waits for the return of her friends and, most importantly, Han.

Luke is the first to board, his face solemn. Her stomach drops, fearing the worst. _He's dead,_ she thinks to herself. _He's gone._

But then she hears him, struggling, and arguing with Chewie.

"I can walk on my own," she hears him say, and her heart begins to pound in her chest. She thinks she hears Chewie say something about being blind, and Luke is quick to say "it's temporary."

"I can see fine," Han argues, stumbling into the main cabin of his beloved ship.

"Where's Leia?" He immediately asks. Despite his earlier protests, it's fairly obvious his sight is still impaired.

She walks up to him, cautiously, and wraps her arms around him.

"Leia," he sighs, finding and kissing the top of her head.

"You're here," she cries, holding onto him so tightly, she can feel him flinch.

"What's wrong?"

"Hibernation sickness," Lando answers. "It's temporary. But he's a bit weak right now. Carbonite doesn't do a body good."

Han can sense the panic and worry coming from her, and he hugs her tighter.

"I'm fine," he tells her. "Now that I'm with you. I love you."

"I know," she answers, snuggling into his chest. "I know."

* * *

They find themselves in bed later that night. She's curled into his body, their beings intertwined, as if re-familiarizing themselves with each other. He brushes a loose strand of hair away from her face and sighs.

"I missed you so much," he whispers, kissing the top of her head. To his surprise, she begins to cry.

"I'm here now. I'm here."

"But you weren't," she cries. "You were- I didn't think I would ever see you again."

"Well I'm here, and you're stuck with me," he answers. "Cause I'm not going anywhere."

"The Empire is still out for us, Han. This could happen again, to either of us."

"It won't. I'll make sure of it."

"How? How can you be sure?"

He smirks. "Hey, it's me. Always find a way out of trouble."

"This was different, Han. This was…," she trails off, "awful. From beginning to end, it was awful. Seeing you lowered down into the freezing chamber, not knowing if I would ever see you again. I tried to memorize everything about you. The way your jaw sets when you're determined, the way your eyes crinkle when you smile, and that…that lopsided smile, the last thing I saw before you disappeared. I'll never forget that, being the last I saw of you. No matter how much time passes, I will always be able to feel that gut-wrenching pain I felt when you were lowered into that chamber.

And then to see your face- you never show fear, no matter how terrifying a situation- so terrified, I couldn't take it. I couldn't see you like that. That's the face I saw every night before I went to bed. Not the lopsided grin of my handsome scoundrel. Every time I close my eyes, I see that face, I hear your screams, the thud of you being so carelessly dropped to the ground, as if you were nothing. I thought you would crack right in half.

And then you were gone."

He's quiet, stunned into silence. He can feel her shake against him, visibly upset by the retelling of her experience. She can feel herself quivering, but she can't stop. Now that they're finally together, and she's not alone, she can't keep the tears from falling.

"Sweetheart," he sighs, pulling her closer. And he holds her, shaking with every sob. He squeezes her tight, hoping to fuse together all of her broken pieces. He would give anything to take away her pain- her grief- but he can't. So he holds her. He's patient. He waits until she can't cry anymore, and quietly waits for his chance to speak.

"I will do whatever it takes, no matter how damn impossible it seems, to make sure that they never tear us apart again."

Leia nods against his chest. "I can't go through this again. I've been so broken without you. If something else happens, I'm afraid I'll shatter, and I won't be able to go on."

He swallows. Hard. If this was simply _broken_ , he doesn't want to imagine what would happen if she were to fully fall apart.

"You know, they were pretty worried about you," he finally says after a few moments of silence.

She immediately feels guilty. "I know," she whispers. "I was worried about myself."

"Whisky, Leia?"

She flinches. "Not my finest moment."

"This isn't like you at all."

"I haven't been like myself for a while."

"I don't know what to say. I feel like I'm responsible for this.

"Don't," she tells him fiercely. "This was absolutely not your fault in any way. You're not responsible for what happened to you, nor are you responsible for how I choose to cope."

"Promise me one thing."

"Anything."

"How bout we enjoy that together from now on. And maybe a little less. It's expensive you know," he jokes, and she laughs.

"Deal."

He's relieved. "That's the smile I've been waiting to see."

"You're something else, fly boy."

"It's one of the many reasons you fell in love with me."

"You're not wrong there," she says, snuggling deeper into his frame.

For the first time in weeks, she begins to feel whole again. She knows she won't be completely healed, not for a while. But with Han's return and him by her side, she feels a bit more hopeful that they'll be together. Forever.


End file.
